As many of you know, our family has been living in Beijing, China for the past three+ years. When we first arrived we had the desire to expose our children to the local culture and were hoping to have them learn the language. My husband who used to fly back and forth for business before we moved here, found a local international school with a section for foreign passport holders. It seemed the perfect place for our two older boys to experience the culture and learn the language. They did learn the language and experience the culture, but that didn't mean it was a healthy place for them to spend their days.
Our oldest ended up being harrased by his Chinese teacher for not knowing any Mandarin (he was tested before entering the school, so they were completely aware of his level when he started), and our middle son who was only seven years old, was left without adult supervision at lunchtime with a bully who we found out later, hit him so hard in the head, his ears rang for two hours. When I confronted the school about this problem, their solution was far from adequate, so I removed him early and kept him at home for the rest of the year.
We then found another school that was fairly new to the international school scene. We were very impressed. They touted themselves as a bilingual/bicultural school. Half of the day was in English, half of the day in Mandarin Chinese. They would learn PE (Physical Ed), art, math and language in Mandarin and everything else in English. They believed in respecting the child and teaching them appropriate ways to treat others. We thought this would expose them to the positive sides of Chinese culture and protect them from the local habits of shaming children and comparing them publically with their fellow classmates. Unfortunately, the school grew too big for itself and couldn't maintain its original goals. The staff felt overwhelmed and was not well trained. I remember clearly the day this first became apparent to me.
The school was having a fundraiser organized by the students to raise money for a charity. The community was invited for the fun booths and a bakesale. I was walking around with my youngest son enjoying the activities. I was approached by a Chinese woman I had never met before. She didn't speak any English, and I had limited Mandarin. We pulled over a parent who was bilingual to translate. The Chinese woman, who it turns out worked for the school, explained to me that Nicholas, my middle son who is very mild mannered and rarely gets into trouble at school, if at all, had purposefully broken a plate in the cafeteria. She had told him to bring a plate from home to replace the broken one and she wanted to verify that this solution was OK with me. If I hadn't already lived in China for 2 and a half years, I probably would have thought that I misunderstood her. I would have thought it was a strange request! Nevertheless, I was still half surprised by what she was telling me. "Yes," I told her, "I do need that plate." Coincidentally, many of my plates had been chipping and a couple had broken in the past month or two, so I really couldn't spare another one!
I told her I had another plate in my cabinet that was white and would match the cafeteria plates better, but it was larger. She said that wouldn't do. It was too large. Funny thing about the plate from my cabinet, it was a grey, flat plate and the plate that got broken was actually a white, bowl, though they were of similar size.
My other suggestion was that my son do some chores to earn money to pay for the broken plate. To me, that was the best option since it was a consequence that affected him. Taking a plate from my cabinet was a consequence for me. She told me not to worry and gave me my plate back.
Before we ended our conversation though she wanted to request that I tell Nicholas he shouldn't play on the swings while he is waiting for the bus after school. Of course, I agreed.
After the fundraiser, I had a chance to talk to Nicholas about the plate incident. He swore that it was an accident. Knowing his personality, he is much more likely to do something like that carelessly than ever break something on purpose, especially at school. He told me incredulously, with his older brother, Reece, chiming in in agreement, that not only did she insist relentlessly that he did do it on purpose, she took a photo of the pieces of the broken plate and put it in a Power Point presentation to show to the entire school as an example of how not to care for things at school. In addition, she announced it to the entire school at an assembly! My oldest son, verbalized quite clearly how much he, in no uncertain terms, hated this woman and it was not even him she was targeting in this situation.
I also asked Nicholas about the swings and he said that this woman already told him not to play on the swings several weeks ago and he hadn't done it again.
A week or two after the broken plate conversation, Nicholas came home on the bus quite concerned. This same woman told him that he wouldn't be allowed to take the bus the next morning. Shocked, I wanted more information. She was angry that he was watching another boy play on the swings and she didn't want him to do that so she banned him from the bus the next morning. Ridiculous, I thought. Another consequence that inconvenienced me and not my son. Surely, there were more productive ways to handle such a minor and arguably silly infraction.
This finally prompted me to contact the school. I told them everything that she had done. I hadn't mentioned the Power Point presentation or the announcement to the entire school before, because I assumed one of the administrators would have heard it and set her straight. But now that there were more incidents and I was feeling like this woman was targeting my son, even harrasing him, I was getting seriously concerned.
The morning bus monitor never said a word that my son couldn't ride the bus so he rode the bus without incident. The school responded with a stock email that they were concerned too, would investigate and get back to me. Three or four days passed without a response. I was getting angry. I wrote back thinking maybe I had missed the return email. "Oh no," she wrote, "it had been a busy week and they hadn't had a chance to meet with the lady yet." I was livid! I am concerned one of their staff is harrassing my son or at the least using inappropriate and potentially damaging means to discipline him and likely the other children as well, and they are too busy to meet with her!? What!?
Absolutely not OK. This is not what I expected from the administrators whom had responded adequately in the past to much less serious concerns. I continued to wait for their response. In the meantime, my oldest son, aged 12, had a confrontation with the same broken plate woman. Whatever she did drove him to cuss at her! Totally out of character for him!
I received an email from another staff member, we'll call her Talia, who told me about the incident, not mentioning the name of the person who Reece cussed at. I had my suspicions, though. Talia wanted Reece to write a thank you letter and deliver it in person. Under normal circumstances, I would be in full support of the consequence, but since I felt it was largely the school's fault for not having addressed my concerns and hopefully, remove this woman from interacting with children, I had a hard time holding my son fully responsible. And sure enough when I got both sides of the story, asking for more information from Talia as well as my son, I had to agree with my son that he was treated unfairly. I would have felt powerless and unjustly punished if I had been in my son's shoes.
We talked about what he could do differently next time and frankly, he didn't have a lot of options. He complained that the few teachers he did trust at school were always too busy to help him, even during class time. And he was treated unfairly, the thing he (and several others) were punished for, had been approved by another supervising staff member.
I told Talia and the school director that none of this would have happened if they took care of my other concerns promptly. I also told them that the bigger concerns were lack of appropraite supervision in the gym, one staff member undermining the other in front of the students, slow responses from the administration. I felt my son writing a thank you note, was the least of their concerns.
I did have my son write the thank you note as I wanted him to know disrespecting another person was not OK regardless of their behavior. We emailed the note to Talia asking her to pass it on to The Broken Plate woman. I told Talia that I did not want my son to deliver it to her in person. I no longer trusted the school and I wanted to limit any face to face interaction between my children and this woman. Talia strongly encouraged me to have my son deliver the note in person, offering that she would accompany him. I refused and requested she respect my decision as his parent. I wanted to limit any face to face interaction between my children and Broken Plate lady to avoid any further problems.
These series of incidents, include many more details I have left out for the sake of length (can you believe that since this is soooo long already!?), made me lose all faith in the adequacy of the school's administration as well as many of the key staff members. Needless to say, we chose to move all of our children to a new school this past fall and we are much happier (so far). I have learned to reserve my judgement until we are really far into the year. But already, we are getting much more real communication from the teachers and have a more accurate idea of how our children are doing in school. And so far, no strange stories of shaming or inappropriate discipline.
Luckily, we can laugh about it all now and the Broken Plate incident is a family joke. We saw this ad in a taxi the other night and laughed that Broken Plate woman was still so upset by the incident, she paid to have this ad put in taxis across Beijing. I hope that even though my children have had to endure these difficult situations, they know that we love and care for them because we have made efforts to correct the situation once we realize what had been going on.
It has been quite a learning experience for me living here. There is so much we take for granted being from a developed nation. I have lived in three other countries besides China (including my home country of the US) and there is far less I can take for granted here than any other place I have lived.
I'm linking up at Sian's blog for Storytelling Sunday. She hosts it the first Sunday of every month. Do you have a story to tell? Post it on your blog and join us!
To read more STORIES on my blog, click here.
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